Thanks for joining me in digging through Dr. Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. A few weeks ago I heard a radio interview of Dr. Leman discussing this book. I knew I had to read it so I checked it out of the library and read it in one day. This is my second time through the book—as I’m reading it with you. So, I’m no expert on his philosophies. I have just seen my attitude towards discipline change so dramatically that I had to share it with you. Plus, I want (and need) your insight and conversation about the nitty gritty of this book—of how it relates to our own families.

Ready to get started?

The first chapter is entitled “Where Did They All Come From?” Ha! I like it already! Doesn’t it feel that way? When Lydia was born one of the first things I said (maybe THE first thing) was “THAT did not just come out of me!” I was so shocked at how much of her own little person she was. It was romantic then. Now, it’s just frustrating!

Dr. Leman begins this section with a story. This story stuck with me so much I find myself thinking about it when interacting with Lydia and Asa. The story is about a preschooler who is disobedient and mouthy and yelling at his mom on the way home from preschool. When they arrive home the first thing he says is, “Mom, where are my milk and cookies? We always have milk and cookies after school.” She looks at him and says, “We’re not having cookies today.” Then she turns around and WALKS AWAY.

The little boy runs after her, “But Mommy! We always have cookies!” The mother replies, “I’m sorry. I don’t like how you were disrespecting Mommy in the car. We’re not having cookies.” Then she turns and WALKS AWAY. The little guy is distraught and runs after her apologizing. The mom quickly takes him in her arms, accepts his apology, kisses him and even does a little more teaching about respect. But here’s where it gets good–the little boy says, “Now can we have cookies?” And the mom replies with a very clear and sure, “No.”

This is THE perfect example of Dr. Leman’s parenting philosophy. It’s about using more actions, more consequences and less words. He believes (and after reading, I do too) that most parents “snowplow” the roads of life for their kids. They don’t want their kids to have any bumps, any hiccups, any pain in their life. So, they essentially pander to their children and let their child’s wishes and desires rule the roost.

I didn’t know how much I was straddling this line of serving my children and being ruled by my children. I’m a stay-at-home-mom, I want to serve my kids! I’ve given up the very idea of “me-time” for my children’s every waking second! But I fear I may have been doing this to my detriment AND theirs. I can see that pampered spoiled child pop out of my kids every once in awhile. I can see how they demand from me, expect me to do everything for them and complain or argue when I ask them to do something they don’t want. I have unwittingly snowplowed my kids’ daily lives. And if I don’t get it under control, they will be fully dependent on me while despising me at the same time.

Don’t believe me? That’s essentially what Dr. Leman writes in this chapter. He says that kids naturally believe, “I only count when people notice me or when other people are serving me. I only count when I dominate, control and win.” Isn’t that sobering? Oh, I don’t want my children to have that underlying feeling in their lives. And I don’t want to be around a person like that!

The dicotomy of this is that our kids act up because they want our attention. They are constantly pushing and manipulating to get what they want–us. They want our full attention, our full care, our full “snowplow” every step of the way. And they are willing to initiate a power struggle to do so.

I’ve just recently begun to notice this with Lydia. She wants her way so she acts out. And I always feel like, “Well, I need to get her to obey immediately. I need to shut her down. I need to make sure she realizes right this instant that she cannot say that to me.” So I argue or punish and it turns into a huge drama. Dr. Leman says to stay away from power struggles. In fact, he says you’ll never win in a power struggle. Never.

So, let’s bring this to some practicality. Here are a few examples from this first chapter:

1. A kid pitches a fit in the mall because he wants to go to McDonald’s.

2. Your 3 year old purposely knocks down your 18 month old.

3. Your teenager says something rude about the meal you cooked her for dinner.

Honestly, think about your response to these situations. I can tell you my natural response:

1. Drag him to the bathroom and spank him.

2. Hug the 18 month old and angrily look at the 3 year old, then order the 3 year old go to his room.

3. Retort sarcastically that they can make their own dinner next time. (And of course, not follow through on that.)

Wow. I seriously feel horrible even saying that’s what I’d do. But I would!

Here’s what Dr. Leman says to do:

1. Say, “We’re not going to McDonald’s”. Turn your back and walk away. Your child is not going to stay on that floor long. The reason they are pitching a fit is because THEY WANT YOUR ATTENTION. Kids say “Jump!” and they want you to say “How high?”. If you turn your back on a child in the mall, they’ll be on your tail within ten steps.

2. Call the 3 year old over to you and say, “Do you need some attention today? If you need a hug, all you have to do is say so. Just come on over and ask me for a hug. You don’t have to push your sister over to get it. That kind of behavior is not acceptable.” When you call your 3 year old out for acting out on purpose, their defense falls pretty quickly. You are essentially stopping a fight between you and your 3 year old. It may look like the fight was between the siblings but in fact, your 3 year old was picking a fight with YOU. Plus, you’ve given your child the ok to show their feelings in an appropriate way.

3. When your teenager says it’s time to go to her friend’s to study say, “We’re not going to your friend’s.” Turn your back and walk away. When she asks why say, “We’re not going because I don’t appreciate the way you talked to me.” By refusing to play taxi driver you are showing your daughter who is in charge. She will think twice about how she speaks to you the next time.

Do you see how all these situations are NOT about the situation–they are all about how your children view you as a parent. If they respect or disrespect you. If they honor or dishonor you. If they want to control you or obey you.

Dr. Leman breaks this down into three simple steps (reminds me of Oso!):

1. Say it once. Dr. Leman says, “If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, ‘I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.’” Wow. That means no warnings. No warnings.

2. Turn your back. You aren’t turning your back to be mean, you are turning your back to show that the conversation is done and you expect your words to be obeyed.

3. Walk Away. Don’t be tempted to over-explain. Don’t get into the power struggle. Just do what you say.

When we do these three things we are giving our kids guidance and accountability. They get to see the consequences for their actions. It’s time we stop running after our kids trying to appease them. We have to step up and actually be a parent!

What do you think? Is that enough homework for Monday?

Let’s talk about it in our Community!

I just got back from Blissdom, a big blogging conference last weekend. It was so amazingly fun and inspiring. (And apparently it took me an entire week to recover because this is the first post in a week! YIKES.) I’ve been blogging at my personal blog, ohAmanda for almost 3 years. I’ve been doing Impress Your Kids for about 2 1/2 years. And although I am very passionate about Impress Your Kids, I sometimes feel at a loss on what to post and feature.

At first I thought Impress Your Kids was going to be an online journal of what Lydia and I crafted. Then I felt like my children’s ministry experience would be beneficial to other readers. I was googling stuff to do with my duaghter and couldn’t find exactly what I was looking for and I figured others were doing the same.

So, while I was at Blissdom I got a revelation (oh, yes, I did!) about how Impress Your Kids is different than ohAmanda. Impress Your Kids is what you call a niche blog (is that NICH? NEESH? anywhoo…) while ohAmanda is a memoir-anything-goes blog. So, if I don’t post at ohAmanda it’s obvious that there’s nothing blog-worthy going on in my life. And I’m ok with that!

Generally, that’s what happens at Impress Your Kids, too. We get busy or sick or tired or we’re just hanging by the skin of our teeth so we don’t post. And because I want this blog to feel real and personal, that’s ok. BUT I also know that some of you are busy, sick, tired and hanging by the skin of your teeth, too. And I want Impress Your Kids to always be here. I want to be that encouraging parenting toolbox that we set out to be.

So. I’ve been thinking, talking, evaluating and praying about Impress Your Kids and it’s future. And I need your input. Would you take 3 minutes and complete this survey? I won’t share your answers, you don’t have to fill out your name and most of it is mutliple choice. It would mean so much to me!

Thank you! And thank you for honoring us at Impress Your Kids with your visits, your links and your comments.

photo of ME by mooshinindy

Say hello to Vanessa from Silly Eagle Books! She is a former editor turned cool stay-at-home mom. This is the first of many posts by Vanessa as she will be a regular contributor to Impress Your Kids! I am so excited for you to get to know her and her blog. She is one of my in-real-life friends and I love her! ~Amanda

Because I love books, I find it easy to share them with my two-year old daughter, Juliet. I’m drawn to beautiful stories and well-written tales. And while my love for books has nothing to do with what I can get out of them, I have to admit that I do use them in my journey to impress my kid.

As a parent, I have so many goals in regards to my daughter. I want her to know right from wrong, to love and respect others, to appreciate and be grateful for what she has been blessed with, to think for herself, and to glorify God with her life, just to name a few. Sometimes it is overwhelming to me–how will I ever get all those important lessons in?

Because books are such a central part of our family routine, they have become my main tool in teaching my daughter. I look for books that support the values and truths that I am trying to impress upon her heart, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that I look for “Christian” books. In fact, aside from Bibles, I have relatively few Christian books in our home library. And although the books we read do not necessarily have Bible verses on every other page, they do speak the truths I am trying to teach her in a powerful and beautiful way.

When Amanda asked me to write a post about how I use books to teach my daughter, I thought, “Sure, no problem.” But then when I got home and tried to capture my method on paper, I felt a little stumped. How exactly do I use these incredible books? The answer came to me as I was reading Gossie by Olivier Dunrea with Juliet one afternoon.

The story begins, “This is Gossie. Gossie is a gosling. A small yellow gosling who likes to wear bright red boots. Every day.” The story continues with Gossie wearing her boots when she eats, when she sleeps, when she rides, when she hides, etc. She wears them all the time, every day, until one morning when the boots are missing. She looks everywhere and is heartbroken until she suddenly spies her red boots walking towards her on the feet of her friend Gertie.

Gertie smiles at Gossie and says, “Great boots!” as she hands them over. The next page shows Gossie and Gertie swimming in the pond together and the text reads, “Gossie is a gosling. A small yellow gosling who likes to wear bright red boots.” We turned the page to see Gossie and Gertie walking through the grass each wearing ONE boot and read the words, “Almost every day.” I smiled as I read the ending of this story we had read countless times over the past year and began to close the book and put it down without another thought, when Juliet said to me, “That’s nice, Mama! She shared!”

And that’s when it hit me. The stories I choose for my daughter are reinforcing the lessons and truths I am pouring into her life every day, and they are doing it without lecturing or even using specific words like “share.” Through simple stories and characters, they are modeling what it means to share, to love, to forgive, etc., and giving my abstract words concrete feet to stand on.

With this new insight, I began looking through our bookshelves to see what other patterns might emerge. Aside from numerous stories with positive, moral, or uplifting themes like sharing, helping, loving, etc, I also discovered a few other kinds of books that help me instill God’s heart into my child’s. I found books that feature characters who model good behavior by making good choices, speaking respectfully to others (especially parents), and treating others the way they would want to be treated.

I noticed that I collect books that celebrate things God values (other than morals) like family, friendship, creativity, and hospitality, and I also discovered a large number of nature-themed books that instill a sense of wonder and appreciation for creation. If I stopped and thought about it for a second, I found that every book on our shelves was a valuable tool in helping me teach my daughter.

I think that choosing good books is something all of us do instinctively as parents. We might not be consciously thinking, “I need to get a good book on sharing.” but we end up doing it anyways. Now that I am aware of what I have been doing all along, I hope to take advantage of more teachable moments that lead to discussions like the one we had after reading Gossie. Or maybe I’ll just let the books continue to speak for themselves.

What about you? What books do you read with your children that model truth or celebrate the things God values? What books have opened discussion opportunities with your children? Leave a comment and let us know!