Welcome to Day 2 of our “book club”! We’re going chapter by chapter through Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. Today’s chapter is called, “Disarming the Dude (or Dudette) with the ‘Tude”. And that’s really it, isn’t it? If my kids would just have a good attitude, I wouldn’t really care what they do!

Dr. Leman says the most important ABCs are: Attitude, Behavior and Character. The goal of parenting is to make sure our kids get these ABCs right. Today we’ll begin with Attitude. The hard part of attitude is that “attitudes are caught, not taught.” Dr. Leman suggests that if we want our kids’ attitudes to change, we have to change ours first.

OUCH.

You’ve seen it before. When kids are yelling and screaming…then their parents walk up and do the same. Its obvious where the kids are getting it from.

It’s not just our attitude WHILE they are disobeying. It’s our general attitude ABOUT our kids’ behavior. Dr. Leman gives the example of a mom taking the kids to the grocery store and right before they enter mom says, “Remember, no fighting. Keep your hands to yourself. And if you don’t, there won’t be any treats for you…” This mom is effectively saying, “I expect you to misbehave and you better not.” Isn’t that sad? I do this all the time! I tell Lydia how I do NOT want her to act and I’m teaching her to make trouble! It’s reinforcing what we talked about yesterday–that my kids get attention from me when they misbehave.

To help with our attitude, Dr. Leman suggests asking these questions about your child’s behavior:

1. What is the purposive nature of the behavior?

2. How do you feel in this situation?

3. Is this a mountain or a molehill?

When you realize why a child is acting the way they are and when you can see clearly your emotions it will help you realize how “big” the situation really is. Then you’ll be able to attack it in a better way. It’s true that sometimes I am so aggravated over a situation that I turn it into a mountain instead of treating it like a molehill. This gets consequent discipline out of whack, too because you have to build on what you’ve previously done!

All of this leads us to Character.  Character is who are kids are on the inside. Are our children caring about others before themselves? Are they respectful, do they have manners, tell the truth, self-motivated, punctual, bothered by sin, selfish, kind, a champion for the weak, obedient, use bad words and a hard worker?

How do we do this? Dr. Leman gives 3 simple steps (one more time, Oso!) if you want your children to have a “respectful, kind Attitude, to have Behavior that you’ll want to write your grandma about, and to have Character that reveals itself as true-blue even when you aren’t watching.”

1. Let reality be the teacher.

Dr. Leman coined the term “reality discipline” which means letting nature take its course. It means we don’t rescue our kids from “the consequences of failed responsibility.” Instead of thinking up new and big punishments, let natural consequences help you.

Example: Your son doesn’t do his science project. Don’t rescue him and stay up the night before to do it. Let him fail.

2. Learn to respond rather than to react.

I have heard this a million times in teachings on parenting and marriage. But what does that mean? Dr. Leman gives the best definition, “If your doctor says, ‘You responded to your medication,’ that’s good. If the doctor says, ‘You reacted to your medication,’ that’s bad.” Wow. I have definitely REACTED to my kids rather than RESPONDED.

Example: Your daughter says she wants a pony. Instead of rolling your eyes and saying, “How in the world could we afford a pony? And in this house?! That’s stupid.” Just talk about it–let her logically go down the road and see how a pony would be in her world. She’ll figure it out. Dr. Leman says use the phrase “Tell me more about that” to help you respond rather than react.

3. B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

Dr. Leman says this strategy works with every age and with every situation. If you’ve asked your child to do something, do not go on to the next thing until they have completed the first.

Example: You asked your son to mow the lawn. He doesn’t do it. Two hours later he asks to go to the pet store to buy some fish. You tell him no. AND you walk away.

I’ve been doing this with Lydia. If she responds to me with a bad attitude or shows disrespect I’ll correct her and then when the next thing that she likes rolls around (making a craft, bed-time story, etc.) I’ll say, “We’re not doing that.” She usually asks why and I say, “I don’t like the way you disrespected Mommy when you did so-and-so.” It also works when she hasn’t cleaned her room or done other chores. It’s hard but I’ve been putting off going to the library or store if she’s not done with what she’s been assigned to do. It’s been a much bigger lesson than doing an immediate punishment.

According to Dr. Leman the most important thing is our consistent ACTION. Not necessarily our WORDS. He says, “There is no harassing, no threatening, no warning…no reminding, no coaxing…no put-downs.” because these are the things that break down a relationship. I love this because it helps me step out of that big miry pit of arguing with a 4 year old. Which produces nothing but aggravation and hurt feelings. I’m hoping through all this I’m focusing on my ABC’s—Attitude, Behavior and Character so I can see those ABC’s in my children’s lives.

What do you think? Does this sound doable?

Let’s talk about it in our forums!

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BIG NEWS! I’m going to be a guest on Focus on the Family’s weekly webcast TOMORROW! The title is Concoctions that Connect Kids to Faith…isn’t that perfect? I’ll be interviewed about the Shoes2Share challenge & all the shoes Lydia and I collected. It’s at 2pm ET (but I’ll actually be on about 2:40), I would LOVE for you to listen!

abc blocks by leo reynolds

Thanks for joining me in digging through Dr. Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. A few weeks ago I heard a radio interview of Dr. Leman discussing this book. I knew I had to read it so I checked it out of the library and read it in one day. This is my second time through the book—as I’m reading it with you. So, I’m no expert on his philosophies. I have just seen my attitude towards discipline change so dramatically that I had to share it with you. Plus, I want (and need) your insight and conversation about the nitty gritty of this book—of how it relates to our own families.

Ready to get started?

The first chapter is entitled “Where Did They All Come From?” Ha! I like it already! Doesn’t it feel that way? When Lydia was born one of the first things I said (maybe THE first thing) was “THAT did not just come out of me!” I was so shocked at how much of her own little person she was. It was romantic then. Now, it’s just frustrating!

Dr. Leman begins this section with a story. This story stuck with me so much I find myself thinking about it when interacting with Lydia and Asa. The story is about a preschooler who is disobedient and mouthy and yelling at his mom on the way home from preschool. When they arrive home the first thing he says is, “Mom, where are my milk and cookies? We always have milk and cookies after school.” She looks at him and says, “We’re not having cookies today.” Then she turns around and WALKS AWAY.

The little boy runs after her, “But Mommy! We always have cookies!” The mother replies, “I’m sorry. I don’t like how you were disrespecting Mommy in the car. We’re not having cookies.” Then she turns and WALKS AWAY. The little guy is distraught and runs after her apologizing. The mom quickly takes him in her arms, accepts his apology, kisses him and even does a little more teaching about respect. But here’s where it gets good–the little boy says, “Now can we have cookies?” And the mom replies with a very clear and sure, “No.”

This is THE perfect example of Dr. Leman’s parenting philosophy. It’s about using more actions, more consequences and less words. He believes (and after reading, I do too) that most parents “snowplow” the roads of life for their kids. They don’t want their kids to have any bumps, any hiccups, any pain in their life. So, they essentially pander to their children and let their child’s wishes and desires rule the roost.

I didn’t know how much I was straddling this line of serving my children and being ruled by my children. I’m a stay-at-home-mom, I want to serve my kids! I’ve given up the very idea of “me-time” for my children’s every waking second! But I fear I may have been doing this to my detriment AND theirs. I can see that pampered spoiled child pop out of my kids every once in awhile. I can see how they demand from me, expect me to do everything for them and complain or argue when I ask them to do something they don’t want. I have unwittingly snowplowed my kids’ daily lives. And if I don’t get it under control, they will be fully dependent on me while despising me at the same time.

Don’t believe me? That’s essentially what Dr. Leman writes in this chapter. He says that kids naturally believe, “I only count when people notice me or when other people are serving me. I only count when I dominate, control and win.” Isn’t that sobering? Oh, I don’t want my children to have that underlying feeling in their lives. And I don’t want to be around a person like that!

The dicotomy of this is that our kids act up because they want our attention. They are constantly pushing and manipulating to get what they want–us. They want our full attention, our full care, our full “snowplow” every step of the way. And they are willing to initiate a power struggle to do so.

I’ve just recently begun to notice this with Lydia. She wants her way so she acts out. And I always feel like, “Well, I need to get her to obey immediately. I need to shut her down. I need to make sure she realizes right this instant that she cannot say that to me.” So I argue or punish and it turns into a huge drama. Dr. Leman says to stay away from power struggles. In fact, he says you’ll never win in a power struggle. Never.

So, let’s bring this to some practicality. Here are a few examples from this first chapter:

1. A kid pitches a fit in the mall because he wants to go to McDonald’s.

2. Your 3 year old purposely knocks down your 18 month old.

3. Your teenager says something rude about the meal you cooked her for dinner.

Honestly, think about your response to these situations. I can tell you my natural response:

1. Drag him to the bathroom and spank him.

2. Hug the 18 month old and angrily look at the 3 year old, then order the 3 year old go to his room.

3. Retort sarcastically that they can make their own dinner next time. (And of course, not follow through on that.)

Wow. I seriously feel horrible even saying that’s what I’d do. But I would!

Here’s what Dr. Leman says to do:

1. Say, “We’re not going to McDonald’s”. Turn your back and walk away. Your child is not going to stay on that floor long. The reason they are pitching a fit is because THEY WANT YOUR ATTENTION. Kids say “Jump!” and they want you to say “How high?”. If you turn your back on a child in the mall, they’ll be on your tail within ten steps.

2. Call the 3 year old over to you and say, “Do you need some attention today? If you need a hug, all you have to do is say so. Just come on over and ask me for a hug. You don’t have to push your sister over to get it. That kind of behavior is not acceptable.” When you call your 3 year old out for acting out on purpose, their defense falls pretty quickly. You are essentially stopping a fight between you and your 3 year old. It may look like the fight was between the siblings but in fact, your 3 year old was picking a fight with YOU. Plus, you’ve given your child the ok to show their feelings in an appropriate way.

3. When your teenager says it’s time to go to her friend’s to study say, “We’re not going to your friend’s.” Turn your back and walk away. When she asks why say, “We’re not going because I don’t appreciate the way you talked to me.” By refusing to play taxi driver you are showing your daughter who is in charge. She will think twice about how she speaks to you the next time.

Do you see how all these situations are NOT about the situation–they are all about how your children view you as a parent. If they respect or disrespect you. If they honor or dishonor you. If they want to control you or obey you.

Dr. Leman breaks this down into three simple steps (reminds me of Oso!):

1. Say it once. Dr. Leman says, “If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, ‘I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.’” Wow. That means no warnings. No warnings.

2. Turn your back. You aren’t turning your back to be mean, you are turning your back to show that the conversation is done and you expect your words to be obeyed.

3. Walk Away. Don’t be tempted to over-explain. Don’t get into the power struggle. Just do what you say.

When we do these three things we are giving our kids guidance and accountability. They get to see the consequences for their actions. It’s time we stop running after our kids trying to appease them. We have to step up and actually be a parent!

What do you think? Is that enough homework for Monday?

Let’s talk about it in our Community!

You’ve heard people say it and you’ve probably said it yourself, “When I’m a parent, my kids will never do so-and-so.” And if you said it, you really believed it. I was a Children’s Pastor for several years and I said that sentence so many times it’s embarrassing! I have always been able to clearly see why and how parents were missing the mark with their kids. The problem is, I don’t think you can always see those same mistakes in yourself. Or maybe it’s just harder to discipline the little darlings that are your own flesh and blood.

These past few weeks and months I have felt like I am the worst parent in the world. And I do not say that as hyperbole. All the roads I thought were leading to obedience and responsiveness in my children were doing the exact opposite.

I finally picked up a recording of a radio interview with Dr. Kevin Leman based on his book, Have a New Kid by Friday. The second I was finished with the CD,  I gave it to my husband and made him listen to it. Then I borrowed the book from the library and read it in one day.

Cover via Amazon

I started to put these ideas into practice in our home and I have already seen a huge difference. My kids are more responsive, I feel more in control and the underlying struggle, drama and emotion has been diminished. Dr. Leman’s main idea is “reality discipline”. It’s letting your actions speak louder than your warnings, spankings and lectures.

I was just going to share one or two of my favorite tips from Dr. Leman’s book but as I was writing the post got to be so long, I thought it might be fun to do a play-by-play of the book. Then we could unpack one chapter each day…just like the book suggests. What do you think? Wanna play?

Next Monday, July 19th we’ll start a week long series tackling some of the issues in Dr. Leman’s book. I’ll give you some of my favorite parts. Then we can discuss in our forum how this practically works for our families.

If you’d like to get the book before we start discussing it, I found it at the Family Christian Store this weekend for only $5. (On their website, too!) The audio is only $7.98 on ChristianAudio.com. Or you can always try the library, that’s where I read it to begin with!

I’m looking forward to talking to you about this. Parenting is not for the weak. And it’s certainly not for the solitary. I need people to help me and I’d love to talk with you about this book and these principles!

photo by mdany