We did it! We made it to Friday! We’ve gone through (most of) Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. So, do you have a new kid? Or the better question might be, do you feel like a new parent? I hope you’ve at least had some food for thought. I hope you’ve been able to evaluate the whys and hows of your parenting.

This final day is described as “fun day” by Dr. Leman. This is the day you get to try out all the things you’ve learned and see how your kids react. He says so many people tell him after reading this book that they can’t wait for their child to misbehave because they are excited to try out these new principles!

Dr. Leman closes this chapter with the top ten tips covered in this book. I’m going to share them with you and add my own thoughts and experiences.

1. Be 100% consistent in your behavior.
Isn’t this really the key to everything? If I could just be consistent regardless of how tired I am, what’s on my todo list or how aggravating they are being. I think it’s a choice we make. A hard choice, yes, but one that will definitely pay off!

2. Always follow through on what you say you will do.
This seems easy enough. But when your kids look at you with their sweet faces it’s sometimes hard to do what you say. The hardest part for me is when I take something from them (like going to the store) but I really wanted to do that thing, too! It’s like a punishment for me–I have to change my attitude and realize the gift I’m actually giving my children.

3. Respond, don’t react.
I just love that comparison to medication Dr. Leman gave about responding versus reacting. It’s helped me understand how to really respond to my children.

4. Count to 10 and ask yourself, “What would my old self do in this situation? What would the new me do?”
This is a good tip. Sometimes I feel like I need to be able to respond perfectly in a nanosecond. Counting to 10 gives me the permission to slow down and make a better decision. My kid can wait 10 seconds.

5. Never threaten your kids.
Threatening has been one of my go-to parenting strategies. And it does NOT work! I felt like I was just living by, “If you do that one more time, I’ll…” And what do you think the kids do? Misbehave again, of course! It was just a never ending cycle, I’d have to say it 1000 times and each punishment would have to be worse than the last. Ugh. Coupled with Dr. Leman’s advice of “no warnings” this has been the most freeing and helpful tip!

5. Never get angry. (When you do get angry, apologize quickly.)
Do you know I’ve only recently started apologizing to my kids? It’s been hard for me to apologize because usually the reason I’m upset is BECAUSE of them. But since reading Leigh’s post about this I’ve really tried (regardless of how bad they are) to apologize when I get out of control. And it makes such a difference in the heart of my kids.

6. Don’t give any warnings.
I love this one! I have implemented this technique more than anything else Dr. Leman suggests. It just works wonders. It stops arguments before they stop, it keeps me calm and it shows consistency and follow through to my kids.

7. Ask yourself, “Whose problem is this?” (Don’t own what isn’t yours.)
This is a hard one–especially if you have preschoolers or toddlers. Sometimes there are issues your kids just need to handle. Don’t jump in and solve every problem. Let the kids work for it, too.

8. Don’t think the misbehavior will go away.
So true. It’s easy to tell yourself this and talk your way out of good parenting.

9. Keep a happy face on, even when you want to…do something else.
I’ve found following some of these other tips has helped me keep a happy face. I am less emotional, less freaked out and more able to stay focused on the real issues at hand.

The rest of this book is “Ask Dr. Leman”. He answers real questions from parents on every topic imaginable: bedwetting, anger, tantrums, picky eaters, fighting in the car, power struggles and more. It’s a very insightful resource and full of good practical tips.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this quick review of the book. I really encourage you to pick up Have a New Kid By Friday because not only does Dr. Leman give good advice, he encourages you to look deeply at your parenting philosophy and make sure that regardless of what you’re doing–you’re doing it purposefully and consistently.

Don’t forget our forums–if you have a question about the book, parenting or just want to chat, come join us!

photo by Tiagø Ribeiro

It’s Day 4 of our peek at Dr. Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. This has been really helpful for me to write all the important parts out. I hope it’s been helpful for you, too!

Thursday’s chapter has the byline (I learned yesterday!), “But What If I Damage Their Psyche? (Uh, What’s a Psyche?)“. This right here is why I love Dr. Leman! This whole chapter is really one of my passions, so I’ll try to stay on task and not quote the whole book to you!

Dr. Leman begins with expectations–what parents expect of their kids. Some parents don’t even think about what they expect FROM their kids. They only have expectations FOR their kids. They want their child to be happy and without any discomfort or pain. So they (to use Dr. Leman’s phrase) “snowplow the roads of life” and do every single solitary thing for their kids. The problem with this, according to Dr. Leman is it is sending the message, “I think you’re so stupid that you can’t do it yourself, so I’ll do it for you.” He counters that we should expect the best OUT of them. She should never do anything for our children that they can do themselves. (Ack! That means fill up their own sippy cup, make their bed, brush their teeth, do their homework, get dressed….)

Obviously these things are age-appropriate but we shouldn’t be afraid to set the bar high. Kids can do more than we think. When Lydia had her first ballet recital and did every single move PERFECTLY, I thought, “Good grief. If she can do that, what other things can she do that I haven’t let her?” Dr. Leman says “every child lives up to the expectation you have for him.” Don’t you want to set a high one?

All of this leads into self-esteem…or really a better term is self-worth. When I was in High School I went to a camp with a man named Peder Eide. He was hugely instrumental in me growing up and waking up as a young adult. He explained to me that self-esteem either high or low was bad. Insecure people have low-self esteem but they are still selfish because it’s all about, “Why don’t they like ME?”. People with high-self esteem are narcissistic and selfish. Our real goal is Christ-esteem…knowing who we are in Christ.

This is the same idea that Dr. Leman has. Our children need to understand true self-worth. They need to know who they are in your family and who God had designed them to be. It’s not about making your child feel good. That’s easy. Dr. Leman says to just give them everything they want. He goes a step further and says an UNHAPPY child is a HEALTHY child. Helping children see their own value through responsibility and accountability and action is what brings true self-worth.

Dr. Leman breaks self-worth down into 3 (simple steps? not this time…) Pillars:

1. Acceptance

If your children feel that you don’t accept them for who they are, they will look for acceptance from other people. What a knife to the heart. I pray my arms and heart and words are always open to accept my children AND their actions no matter what they do.

2. Belonging

We want our children to feel they belong to our family. Dr. Leman gives a perfect example of this: someone approaches a 15 year old girl and asks her if she wants a cigarette. She retorts, “No thanks. We Crayburns don’t smoke.” She had a real sense of belonging to her family. She knew how they acted and wanted to be a part of that. She was a Crayburn and proud of it!

3. Competence

This is the new one for me. When we give our children responsiblity it empowers them. When I give Lydia a new chore and she does it, she thinks, “Mommy thinks I can do this! If she thinks I can do it, then I must be able to!” She feels the value I place on her abilitites. And even if she fails she’ll learn how to do it better AND it can be a learning experience for both of us. We can work together and accomplish something as a team!

If our kids don’t feel accepted, like they belong and feel they aren’t competent in your family, they will find somewhere else where they do feel it! (<–I think I already said it, but wow! It’s so big!)

Now Dr. Leman turns to PRAISE versus ENCOURAGEMENT. I’m a natural encourager. I use my words to affirm my kids constantly. But Dr. Leman says to make sure you are using your words correctly so your children get the REAL message. He says praise isn’t good for kids because it makes kids equate acceptance to behavior. When they get good grades or hit a home run they hear praise from our lips. So, they think they have to perform to get our love.

Instead we need to learn to ENCOURAGE our kids. Encouragement emphasizes the ACT and not the PERSON. This is interesting to me. Dr. Leman says, “when you encourage the act, you encourage the child to be competent and to try something else because he succeeded in that area.” So instead of saying, “You are a genius! You look beautiful! You’re the very best in the whole world!” Say things like:

• Oh, Ethan, you got an A in math. I know you’ve been working extra hard in taht area, and that work really paid off. You’ll have to tell your dad about it. He’ll be happy, too.
• I love what you built with your legos. It’s very creative and fun, and you did it by yourself. What are you going to build next?

Do you see the difference? Dr. Leman says this kind of encouragement helps build a foundation for Acceptance, Belonging and Competence.

This is the first chapter that I’ve actually been encouraged in. This one is almost fun to me—I want to figure out ways to build belonging and acceptance into my kids. I can’t wait to find something else they are competent in. I want them to say feel the the most love, honor, encouragement, belonging, acceptance and closeness in our family!

What are your thoughts?

photo by squiggle

:: Don’t forget, I’m going to be on the Focus on the Family webcast, “Concoctions to Connect Kids To Faith” at 2pm ET today!::

Welcome to Wednesday! It’s the 3rd day of our look at Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. I’ve really enjoyed rehashing the book with you. Please feel free to leave a comment on this post or start a conversation in our forum. I know its helpful to talk about specifics when it comes to parenting philosophies!

Today’s chapter is entitled, “Show Me a Mean Teacher, and I’ll Show You a Good One (It’s All in the Perspective)” Maybe title is the wrong word–maybe byline is more appropriate! Anyway, this is the chapter that really got to me. It’s helped me focus and understand (or at least try to) my parenting and philosophy.

The whole idea here is that time is short. People tell you this before you have kids. You nod your head. But wow, you don’t feel it until your you have kids. The days may be long but the years are in hyper-speed! We need to take a long-view of our kids’ lives. We need to understand that what we are doing TODAY is affecting their TOMORROW. I’ve always heard it said, “They way they act at 3 is the way they’ll act at 13.” Oh. My.

Dr. Leman gives several scenarios of kids of all ages who are doing bad things–stuff any parent does not want their child involved in. Then he interviews the parents to see if they can put their finger on why it happened. And they all say it had to do with when the kid was little. How they as parents ignored behaviors which led to their children’s bad choices today. The parents were taking the blame.

This is not to say it’s all you and your child’s choices don’t matter. No, the point is kids NEED parents. They need a strong parent that can give them direction and an encouraging appropriate relationship. See, kids want to please their parents. Kids want their parents’ love. You watch TV and you can see that sitcoms, dramas and movies always end up being about what a character’s parent did, or how the parents didn’t love them, or how the character felt unwanted by their parents. Kids want parents.

But what kind of parent are you? Dr. Leman puts parents into 3 categories:

1. Permissive Parent

I have to admit this is the parent I’d turn my nose up at. This is the parent I desperately did NOT want to be. Sadly, I see myself in many of these descriptions:

• is a slave to the child
• places the priority on the child, not on his or her spouse.
• Robs the child of self-respect and self-esteem by doing things for her that the child can do for herself
• Provides the child with the “Disneyland” experience makes things as easy as possible–does homework for the child, answers for her, and so on.
• Invites rebellion with inconsistent parenting

Those are exact quotes from the book because they were so good I couldn’t change a word of it. Does this sound like you? Or maybe you’re on the other extreme:

2. Authoritarian Parent

• makes all the decisions for the child.
• Uses reward and punishment to control the child’s behavior
• Sees himself as better than the child
• Runs the home with an iron hand; grants little freedom to the child

Sadly, I fall into both of these categories. I am permissive and coddling in so many areas, then when the going gets tough I pull out my iron fist. No wonder my children don’t know how to behave!

Dr. Leman’s third category is the one I want to fall under. This is the category he is teaching in this book.

3. Authoritative Parent

• Gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him.
• Provides the child with decision-making opportunities
• Develops consistent, loving discipline
• Holds the child accountable
• Let’s reality by the teacher, conveys respect, self-worth, and love to the child and therefore enhances the child’s self-esteem

Doesn’t that sound better? And more freeing? And less stressful? And the kicker to all of this is that Dr. Leman says permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting always leads to rebellion. When I read this I got sick to my stomach. I could see my children rebelling because of my lack of understanding and ability to parent.

What’s an example of these 3 parents?

Let’s say your child doesn’t want to eat what you fixed for dinner. The permissive parent would hop right up and make a new meal for the child. The authoritarian would make the kid sit at the table until the meal was finished. The authoritative parent would simply explain, “I know [this isn't] your favorite, but that’s what I made for dinner tonight. If you want to make yourself something afterward, that’s fine. But thanks for sitting with us at dinner anyway. Dinner as a family is important.”

This has been so huge for me. Like I said, I had no idea that I was an authoritarian parent at heart that slipped into the permissive parent by day. It’s completely disheartening. This has made me look at every interaction–not just bad behavior or disrespect from my kids. It’s made me examine how we schedule our day, how we do “chores” and how I talk to them. It’s made me realize that parenting is not just about discipline. It’s not just about righting wrong thoughts or actions. Parenting is leading children through every step of their growing life.

That’s why Dr. Leman says it’s important to have a real connection with your child. They need to have a real relationship with you. One that is firmly grounded in love and acceptance. Instead of performance and submission. Which is why parenting is so much about ME and not about them. It’s about MY actions toward my kids. Who knew?! When I was a new mom, I had no idea my heart and mind and will would go through so much change!

One of my favorite suggestions by Dr. Leman to nurture a relationship is to “slip your child a commercial”. That means to talk them up in front of others. It’s similar to my How To Make Sure Your Kids Turn Out Right post from last week. Tell someone (in your child’s earshot) how proud you are of your child and can’t wait to see what they do with their life. Let your kids hear that you are thinking of them and proud of them–not just when they obey or have good grades. Encourage them in front of others so they know you love them unconditionally.

The final encouragement from Dr. Leman is what to do if you are one of the extremes in parenting…and don’t want to be. If you are an authoritarian parent, “work on giving your child age-appropriate choices.” Let them grow up and be independent without you clamping down on them. And its important to follow through–let them fail.

If you are a permissive parent you are going to have to move away from trying to make your kid happy-happy-happy all the time and start standing up as their PARENT and not their FRIEND.

To sum up this chapter in a series of questions for you to ask yourself:

1. What kid of parenting style do you have?

2. How does your child respond to this parenting style?

3. How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?

4. In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?

Asking these questions will open up new insight into your motives and understanding of parenting. And will hopefully enable you to parent in a better and more full way.

So, what kind of parent are you?

PS: I want to make a little disclaimer. I am going over this book as a participant and a parent who is super-excited about doing better for God and my kids. I have quoted Dr. Leman extensively and am not trying to teach any of this as my own words. I strongly encourage you to buy Have a New Kid by Friday and read it as a parenting manual. I am only touching on the parts that have worked for me. There are tons of great ideas and better explanations and tips on everything I’ve mentioned.

Here are some more great Dr. Leman resources:

• Dr. Kevin Leman on Facebook {his updates crack me up! and hit home, too.}
• Dr. Kevin Leman LIVE! Straight Talk on Parenting{this is an in-home dvd–I think it would perfect for a small group!}
• Making Children Mind without Losing Yoursby Kevin Leman {read this one, too!}
• Dr. Leman’s website

photo by tomas hawk