It’s Day 4 of our peek at Dr. Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. This has been really helpful for me to write all the important parts out. I hope it’s been helpful for you, too!

Thursday’s chapter has the byline (I learned yesterday!), “But What If I Damage Their Psyche? (Uh, What’s a Psyche?)“. This right here is why I love Dr. Leman! This whole chapter is really one of my passions, so I’ll try to stay on task and not quote the whole book to you!

Dr. Leman begins with expectations–what parents expect of their kids. Some parents don’t even think about what they expect FROM their kids. They only have expectations FOR their kids. They want their child to be happy and without any discomfort or pain. So they (to use Dr. Leman’s phrase) “snowplow the roads of life” and do every single solitary thing for their kids. The problem with this, according to Dr. Leman is it is sending the message, “I think you’re so stupid that you can’t do it yourself, so I’ll do it for you.” He counters that we should expect the best OUT of them. She should never do anything for our children that they can do themselves. (Ack! That means fill up their own sippy cup, make their bed, brush their teeth, do their homework, get dressed….)

Obviously these things are age-appropriate but we shouldn’t be afraid to set the bar high. Kids can do more than we think. When Lydia had her first ballet recital and did every single move PERFECTLY, I thought, “Good grief. If she can do that, what other things can she do that I haven’t let her?” Dr. Leman says “every child lives up to the expectation you have for him.” Don’t you want to set a high one?

All of this leads into self-esteem…or really a better term is self-worth. When I was in High School I went to a camp with a man named Peder Eide. He was hugely instrumental in me growing up and waking up as a young adult. He explained to me that self-esteem either high or low was bad. Insecure people have low-self esteem but they are still selfish because it’s all about, “Why don’t they like ME?”. People with high-self esteem are narcissistic and selfish. Our real goal is Christ-esteem…knowing who we are in Christ.

This is the same idea that Dr. Leman has. Our children need to understand true self-worth. They need to know who they are in your family and who God had designed them to be. It’s not about making your child feel good. That’s easy. Dr. Leman says to just give them everything they want. He goes a step further and says an UNHAPPY child is a HEALTHY child. Helping children see their own value through responsibility and accountability and action is what brings true self-worth.

Dr. Leman breaks self-worth down into 3 (simple steps? not this time…) Pillars:

1. Acceptance

If your children feel that you don’t accept them for who they are, they will look for acceptance from other people. What a knife to the heart. I pray my arms and heart and words are always open to accept my children AND their actions no matter what they do.

2. Belonging

We want our children to feel they belong to our family. Dr. Leman gives a perfect example of this: someone approaches a 15 year old girl and asks her if she wants a cigarette. She retorts, “No thanks. We Crayburns don’t smoke.” She had a real sense of belonging to her family. She knew how they acted and wanted to be a part of that. She was a Crayburn and proud of it!

3. Competence

This is the new one for me. When we give our children responsiblity it empowers them. When I give Lydia a new chore and she does it, she thinks, “Mommy thinks I can do this! If she thinks I can do it, then I must be able to!” She feels the value I place on her abilitites. And even if she fails she’ll learn how to do it better AND it can be a learning experience for both of us. We can work together and accomplish something as a team!

If our kids don’t feel accepted, like they belong and feel they aren’t competent in your family, they will find somewhere else where they do feel it! (<–I think I already said it, but wow! It’s so big!)

Now Dr. Leman turns to PRAISE versus ENCOURAGEMENT. I’m a natural encourager. I use my words to affirm my kids constantly. But Dr. Leman says to make sure you are using your words correctly so your children get the REAL message. He says praise isn’t good for kids because it makes kids equate acceptance to behavior. When they get good grades or hit a home run they hear praise from our lips. So, they think they have to perform to get our love.

Instead we need to learn to ENCOURAGE our kids. Encouragement emphasizes the ACT and not the PERSON. This is interesting to me. Dr. Leman says, “when you encourage the act, you encourage the child to be competent and to try something else because he succeeded in that area.” So instead of saying, “You are a genius! You look beautiful! You’re the very best in the whole world!” Say things like:

• Oh, Ethan, you got an A in math. I know you’ve been working extra hard in taht area, and that work really paid off. You’ll have to tell your dad about it. He’ll be happy, too.
• I love what you built with your legos. It’s very creative and fun, and you did it by yourself. What are you going to build next?

Do you see the difference? Dr. Leman says this kind of encouragement helps build a foundation for Acceptance, Belonging and Competence.

This is the first chapter that I’ve actually been encouraged in. This one is almost fun to me—I want to figure out ways to build belonging and acceptance into my kids. I can’t wait to find something else they are competent in. I want them to say feel the the most love, honor, encouragement, belonging, acceptance and closeness in our family!

What are your thoughts?

photo by squiggle

:: Don’t forget, I’m going to be on the Focus on the Family webcast, “Concoctions to Connect Kids To Faith” at 2pm ET today!::

Welcome to Wednesday! It’s the 3rd day of our look at Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. I’ve really enjoyed rehashing the book with you. Please feel free to leave a comment on this post or start a conversation in our forum. I know its helpful to talk about specifics when it comes to parenting philosophies!

Today’s chapter is entitled, “Show Me a Mean Teacher, and I’ll Show You a Good One (It’s All in the Perspective)” Maybe title is the wrong word–maybe byline is more appropriate! Anyway, this is the chapter that really got to me. It’s helped me focus and understand (or at least try to) my parenting and philosophy.

The whole idea here is that time is short. People tell you this before you have kids. You nod your head. But wow, you don’t feel it until your you have kids. The days may be long but the years are in hyper-speed! We need to take a long-view of our kids’ lives. We need to understand that what we are doing TODAY is affecting their TOMORROW. I’ve always heard it said, “They way they act at 3 is the way they’ll act at 13.” Oh. My.

Dr. Leman gives several scenarios of kids of all ages who are doing bad things–stuff any parent does not want their child involved in. Then he interviews the parents to see if they can put their finger on why it happened. And they all say it had to do with when the kid was little. How they as parents ignored behaviors which led to their children’s bad choices today. The parents were taking the blame.

This is not to say it’s all you and your child’s choices don’t matter. No, the point is kids NEED parents. They need a strong parent that can give them direction and an encouraging appropriate relationship. See, kids want to please their parents. Kids want their parents’ love. You watch TV and you can see that sitcoms, dramas and movies always end up being about what a character’s parent did, or how the parents didn’t love them, or how the character felt unwanted by their parents. Kids want parents.

But what kind of parent are you? Dr. Leman puts parents into 3 categories:

1. Permissive Parent

I have to admit this is the parent I’d turn my nose up at. This is the parent I desperately did NOT want to be. Sadly, I see myself in many of these descriptions:

• is a slave to the child
• places the priority on the child, not on his or her spouse.
• Robs the child of self-respect and self-esteem by doing things for her that the child can do for herself
• Provides the child with the “Disneyland” experience makes things as easy as possible–does homework for the child, answers for her, and so on.
• Invites rebellion with inconsistent parenting

Those are exact quotes from the book because they were so good I couldn’t change a word of it. Does this sound like you? Or maybe you’re on the other extreme:

2. Authoritarian Parent

• makes all the decisions for the child.
• Uses reward and punishment to control the child’s behavior
• Sees himself as better than the child
• Runs the home with an iron hand; grants little freedom to the child

Sadly, I fall into both of these categories. I am permissive and coddling in so many areas, then when the going gets tough I pull out my iron fist. No wonder my children don’t know how to behave!

Dr. Leman’s third category is the one I want to fall under. This is the category he is teaching in this book.

3. Authoritative Parent

• Gives the child choices and formulates guidelines with him.
• Provides the child with decision-making opportunities
• Develops consistent, loving discipline
• Holds the child accountable
• Let’s reality by the teacher, conveys respect, self-worth, and love to the child and therefore enhances the child’s self-esteem

Doesn’t that sound better? And more freeing? And less stressful? And the kicker to all of this is that Dr. Leman says permissive parenting and authoritarian parenting always leads to rebellion. When I read this I got sick to my stomach. I could see my children rebelling because of my lack of understanding and ability to parent.

What’s an example of these 3 parents?

Let’s say your child doesn’t want to eat what you fixed for dinner. The permissive parent would hop right up and make a new meal for the child. The authoritarian would make the kid sit at the table until the meal was finished. The authoritative parent would simply explain, “I know [this isn't] your favorite, but that’s what I made for dinner tonight. If you want to make yourself something afterward, that’s fine. But thanks for sitting with us at dinner anyway. Dinner as a family is important.”

This has been so huge for me. Like I said, I had no idea that I was an authoritarian parent at heart that slipped into the permissive parent by day. It’s completely disheartening. This has made me look at every interaction–not just bad behavior or disrespect from my kids. It’s made me examine how we schedule our day, how we do “chores” and how I talk to them. It’s made me realize that parenting is not just about discipline. It’s not just about righting wrong thoughts or actions. Parenting is leading children through every step of their growing life.

That’s why Dr. Leman says it’s important to have a real connection with your child. They need to have a real relationship with you. One that is firmly grounded in love and acceptance. Instead of performance and submission. Which is why parenting is so much about ME and not about them. It’s about MY actions toward my kids. Who knew?! When I was a new mom, I had no idea my heart and mind and will would go through so much change!

One of my favorite suggestions by Dr. Leman to nurture a relationship is to “slip your child a commercial”. That means to talk them up in front of others. It’s similar to my How To Make Sure Your Kids Turn Out Right post from last week. Tell someone (in your child’s earshot) how proud you are of your child and can’t wait to see what they do with their life. Let your kids hear that you are thinking of them and proud of them–not just when they obey or have good grades. Encourage them in front of others so they know you love them unconditionally.

The final encouragement from Dr. Leman is what to do if you are one of the extremes in parenting…and don’t want to be. If you are an authoritarian parent, “work on giving your child age-appropriate choices.” Let them grow up and be independent without you clamping down on them. And its important to follow through–let them fail.

If you are a permissive parent you are going to have to move away from trying to make your kid happy-happy-happy all the time and start standing up as their PARENT and not their FRIEND.

To sum up this chapter in a series of questions for you to ask yourself:

1. What kid of parenting style do you have?

2. How does your child respond to this parenting style?

3. How can you adapt your parenting style to be more balanced?

4. In what ways can you emphasize relationship in your home?

Asking these questions will open up new insight into your motives and understanding of parenting. And will hopefully enable you to parent in a better and more full way.

So, what kind of parent are you?

PS: I want to make a little disclaimer. I am going over this book as a participant and a parent who is super-excited about doing better for God and my kids. I have quoted Dr. Leman extensively and am not trying to teach any of this as my own words. I strongly encourage you to buy Have a New Kid by Friday and read it as a parenting manual. I am only touching on the parts that have worked for me. There are tons of great ideas and better explanations and tips on everything I’ve mentioned.

Here are some more great Dr. Leman resources:

• Dr. Kevin Leman on Facebook {his updates crack me up! and hit home, too.}
• Dr. Kevin Leman LIVE! Straight Talk on Parenting{this is an in-home dvd–I think it would perfect for a small group!}
• Making Children Mind without Losing Yoursby Kevin Leman {read this one, too!}
• Dr. Leman’s website

photo by tomas hawk

Welcome to Day 2 of our “book club”! We’re going chapter by chapter through Have a New Kid by Friday by Dr. Kevin Leman. Today’s chapter is called, “Disarming the Dude (or Dudette) with the ‘Tude”. And that’s really it, isn’t it? If my kids would just have a good attitude, I wouldn’t really care what they do!

Dr. Leman says the most important ABCs are: Attitude, Behavior and Character. The goal of parenting is to make sure our kids get these ABCs right. Today we’ll begin with Attitude. The hard part of attitude is that “attitudes are caught, not taught.” Dr. Leman suggests that if we want our kids’ attitudes to change, we have to change ours first.

OUCH.

You’ve seen it before. When kids are yelling and screaming…then their parents walk up and do the same. Its obvious where the kids are getting it from.

It’s not just our attitude WHILE they are disobeying. It’s our general attitude ABOUT our kids’ behavior. Dr. Leman gives the example of a mom taking the kids to the grocery store and right before they enter mom says, “Remember, no fighting. Keep your hands to yourself. And if you don’t, there won’t be any treats for you…” This mom is effectively saying, “I expect you to misbehave and you better not.” Isn’t that sad? I do this all the time! I tell Lydia how I do NOT want her to act and I’m teaching her to make trouble! It’s reinforcing what we talked about yesterday–that my kids get attention from me when they misbehave.

To help with our attitude, Dr. Leman suggests asking these questions about your child’s behavior:

1. What is the purposive nature of the behavior?

2. How do you feel in this situation?

3. Is this a mountain or a molehill?

When you realize why a child is acting the way they are and when you can see clearly your emotions it will help you realize how “big” the situation really is. Then you’ll be able to attack it in a better way. It’s true that sometimes I am so aggravated over a situation that I turn it into a mountain instead of treating it like a molehill. This gets consequent discipline out of whack, too because you have to build on what you’ve previously done!

All of this leads us to Character.  Character is who are kids are on the inside. Are our children caring about others before themselves? Are they respectful, do they have manners, tell the truth, self-motivated, punctual, bothered by sin, selfish, kind, a champion for the weak, obedient, use bad words and a hard worker?

How do we do this? Dr. Leman gives 3 simple steps (one more time, Oso!) if you want your children to have a “respectful, kind Attitude, to have Behavior that you’ll want to write your grandma about, and to have Character that reveals itself as true-blue even when you aren’t watching.”

1. Let reality be the teacher.

Dr. Leman coined the term “reality discipline” which means letting nature take its course. It means we don’t rescue our kids from “the consequences of failed responsibility.” Instead of thinking up new and big punishments, let natural consequences help you.

Example: Your son doesn’t do his science project. Don’t rescue him and stay up the night before to do it. Let him fail.

2. Learn to respond rather than to react.

I have heard this a million times in teachings on parenting and marriage. But what does that mean? Dr. Leman gives the best definition, “If your doctor says, ‘You responded to your medication,’ that’s good. If the doctor says, ‘You reacted to your medication,’ that’s bad.” Wow. I have definitely REACTED to my kids rather than RESPONDED.

Example: Your daughter says she wants a pony. Instead of rolling your eyes and saying, “How in the world could we afford a pony? And in this house?! That’s stupid.” Just talk about it–let her logically go down the road and see how a pony would be in her world. She’ll figure it out. Dr. Leman says use the phrase “Tell me more about that” to help you respond rather than react.

3. B doesn’t happen until A is completed.

Dr. Leman says this strategy works with every age and with every situation. If you’ve asked your child to do something, do not go on to the next thing until they have completed the first.

Example: You asked your son to mow the lawn. He doesn’t do it. Two hours later he asks to go to the pet store to buy some fish. You tell him no. AND you walk away.

I’ve been doing this with Lydia. If she responds to me with a bad attitude or shows disrespect I’ll correct her and then when the next thing that she likes rolls around (making a craft, bed-time story, etc.) I’ll say, “We’re not doing that.” She usually asks why and I say, “I don’t like the way you disrespected Mommy when you did so-and-so.” It also works when she hasn’t cleaned her room or done other chores. It’s hard but I’ve been putting off going to the library or store if she’s not done with what she’s been assigned to do. It’s been a much bigger lesson than doing an immediate punishment.

According to Dr. Leman the most important thing is our consistent ACTION. Not necessarily our WORDS. He says, “There is no harassing, no threatening, no warning…no reminding, no coaxing…no put-downs.” because these are the things that break down a relationship. I love this because it helps me step out of that big miry pit of arguing with a 4 year old. Which produces nothing but aggravation and hurt feelings. I’m hoping through all this I’m focusing on my ABC’s—Attitude, Behavior and Character so I can see those ABC’s in my children’s lives.

What do you think? Does this sound doable?

Let’s talk about it in our forums!

:: :: ::

BIG NEWS! I’m going to be a guest on Focus on the Family’s weekly webcast TOMORROW! The title is Concoctions that Connect Kids to Faith…isn’t that perfect? I’ll be interviewed about the Shoes2Share challenge & all the shoes Lydia and I collected. It’s at 2pm ET (but I’ll actually be on about 2:40), I would LOVE for you to listen!

abc blocks by leo reynolds

Thanks for joining me in digging through Dr. Leman’s book, Have a New Kid by Friday. A few weeks ago I heard a radio interview of Dr. Leman discussing this book. I knew I had to read it so I checked it out of the library and read it in one day. This is my second time through the book—as I’m reading it with you. So, I’m no expert on his philosophies. I have just seen my attitude towards discipline change so dramatically that I had to share it with you. Plus, I want (and need) your insight and conversation about the nitty gritty of this book—of how it relates to our own families.

Ready to get started?

The first chapter is entitled “Where Did They All Come From?” Ha! I like it already! Doesn’t it feel that way? When Lydia was born one of the first things I said (maybe THE first thing) was “THAT did not just come out of me!” I was so shocked at how much of her own little person she was. It was romantic then. Now, it’s just frustrating!

Dr. Leman begins this section with a story. This story stuck with me so much I find myself thinking about it when interacting with Lydia and Asa. The story is about a preschooler who is disobedient and mouthy and yelling at his mom on the way home from preschool. When they arrive home the first thing he says is, “Mom, where are my milk and cookies? We always have milk and cookies after school.” She looks at him and says, “We’re not having cookies today.” Then she turns around and WALKS AWAY.

The little boy runs after her, “But Mommy! We always have cookies!” The mother replies, “I’m sorry. I don’t like how you were disrespecting Mommy in the car. We’re not having cookies.” Then she turns and WALKS AWAY. The little guy is distraught and runs after her apologizing. The mom quickly takes him in her arms, accepts his apology, kisses him and even does a little more teaching about respect. But here’s where it gets good–the little boy says, “Now can we have cookies?” And the mom replies with a very clear and sure, “No.”

This is THE perfect example of Dr. Leman’s parenting philosophy. It’s about using more actions, more consequences and less words. He believes (and after reading, I do too) that most parents “snowplow” the roads of life for their kids. They don’t want their kids to have any bumps, any hiccups, any pain in their life. So, they essentially pander to their children and let their child’s wishes and desires rule the roost.

I didn’t know how much I was straddling this line of serving my children and being ruled by my children. I’m a stay-at-home-mom, I want to serve my kids! I’ve given up the very idea of “me-time” for my children’s every waking second! But I fear I may have been doing this to my detriment AND theirs. I can see that pampered spoiled child pop out of my kids every once in awhile. I can see how they demand from me, expect me to do everything for them and complain or argue when I ask them to do something they don’t want. I have unwittingly snowplowed my kids’ daily lives. And if I don’t get it under control, they will be fully dependent on me while despising me at the same time.

Don’t believe me? That’s essentially what Dr. Leman writes in this chapter. He says that kids naturally believe, “I only count when people notice me or when other people are serving me. I only count when I dominate, control and win.” Isn’t that sobering? Oh, I don’t want my children to have that underlying feeling in their lives. And I don’t want to be around a person like that!

The dicotomy of this is that our kids act up because they want our attention. They are constantly pushing and manipulating to get what they want–us. They want our full attention, our full care, our full “snowplow” every step of the way. And they are willing to initiate a power struggle to do so.

I’ve just recently begun to notice this with Lydia. She wants her way so she acts out. And I always feel like, “Well, I need to get her to obey immediately. I need to shut her down. I need to make sure she realizes right this instant that she cannot say that to me.” So I argue or punish and it turns into a huge drama. Dr. Leman says to stay away from power struggles. In fact, he says you’ll never win in a power struggle. Never.

So, let’s bring this to some practicality. Here are a few examples from this first chapter:

1. A kid pitches a fit in the mall because he wants to go to McDonald’s.

2. Your 3 year old purposely knocks down your 18 month old.

3. Your teenager says something rude about the meal you cooked her for dinner.

Honestly, think about your response to these situations. I can tell you my natural response:

1. Drag him to the bathroom and spank him.

2. Hug the 18 month old and angrily look at the 3 year old, then order the 3 year old go to his room.

3. Retort sarcastically that they can make their own dinner next time. (And of course, not follow through on that.)

Wow. I seriously feel horrible even saying that’s what I’d do. But I would!

Here’s what Dr. Leman says to do:

1. Say, “We’re not going to McDonald’s”. Turn your back and walk away. Your child is not going to stay on that floor long. The reason they are pitching a fit is because THEY WANT YOUR ATTENTION. Kids say “Jump!” and they want you to say “How high?”. If you turn your back on a child in the mall, they’ll be on your tail within ten steps.

2. Call the 3 year old over to you and say, “Do you need some attention today? If you need a hug, all you have to do is say so. Just come on over and ask me for a hug. You don’t have to push your sister over to get it. That kind of behavior is not acceptable.” When you call your 3 year old out for acting out on purpose, their defense falls pretty quickly. You are essentially stopping a fight between you and your 3 year old. It may look like the fight was between the siblings but in fact, your 3 year old was picking a fight with YOU. Plus, you’ve given your child the ok to show their feelings in an appropriate way.

3. When your teenager says it’s time to go to her friend’s to study say, “We’re not going to your friend’s.” Turn your back and walk away. When she asks why say, “We’re not going because I don’t appreciate the way you talked to me.” By refusing to play taxi driver you are showing your daughter who is in charge. She will think twice about how she speaks to you the next time.

Do you see how all these situations are NOT about the situation–they are all about how your children view you as a parent. If they respect or disrespect you. If they honor or dishonor you. If they want to control you or obey you.

Dr. Leman breaks this down into three simple steps (reminds me of Oso!):

1. Say it once. Dr. Leman says, “If you want your child to take you seriously, say your words once. Only once. If you say it more than once, you’re implying, ‘I think you’re so stupid that you’re not going to get it the first time, so let me tell you again.’” Wow. That means no warnings. No warnings.

2. Turn your back. You aren’t turning your back to be mean, you are turning your back to show that the conversation is done and you expect your words to be obeyed.

3. Walk Away. Don’t be tempted to over-explain. Don’t get into the power struggle. Just do what you say.

When we do these three things we are giving our kids guidance and accountability. They get to see the consequences for their actions. It’s time we stop running after our kids trying to appease them. We have to step up and actually be a parent!

What do you think? Is that enough homework for Monday?

Let’s talk about it in our Community!

You’ve heard people say it and you’ve probably said it yourself, “When I’m a parent, my kids will never do so-and-so.” And if you said it, you really believed it. I was a Children’s Pastor for several years and I said that sentence so many times it’s embarrassing! I have always been able to clearly see why and how parents were missing the mark with their kids. The problem is, I don’t think you can always see those same mistakes in yourself. Or maybe it’s just harder to discipline the little darlings that are your own flesh and blood.

These past few weeks and months I have felt like I am the worst parent in the world. And I do not say that as hyperbole. All the roads I thought were leading to obedience and responsiveness in my children were doing the exact opposite.

I finally picked up a recording of a radio interview with Dr. Kevin Leman based on his book, Have a New Kid by Friday. The second I was finished with the CD,  I gave it to my husband and made him listen to it. Then I borrowed the book from the library and read it in one day.

Cover via Amazon

I started to put these ideas into practice in our home and I have already seen a huge difference. My kids are more responsive, I feel more in control and the underlying struggle, drama and emotion has been diminished. Dr. Leman’s main idea is “reality discipline”. It’s letting your actions speak louder than your warnings, spankings and lectures.

I was just going to share one or two of my favorite tips from Dr. Leman’s book but as I was writing the post got to be so long, I thought it might be fun to do a play-by-play of the book. Then we could unpack one chapter each day…just like the book suggests. What do you think? Wanna play?

Next Monday, July 19th we’ll start a week long series tackling some of the issues in Dr. Leman’s book. I’ll give you some of my favorite parts. Then we can discuss in our forum how this practically works for our families.

If you’d like to get the book before we start discussing it, I found it at the Family Christian Store this weekend for only $5. (On their website, too!) The audio is only $7.98 on ChristianAudio.com. Or you can always try the library, that’s where I read it to begin with!

I’m looking forward to talking to you about this. Parenting is not for the weak. And it’s certainly not for the solitary. I need people to help me and I’d love to talk with you about this book and these principles!

photo by mdany