This morning Lydia began a new routine. She is to make her bed and clean her room before she comes down for breakfast. Today she stood at the top of the stairs to consult me about where to put a plastic bucket. It was a gift from a birthday party and it didn’t really fit anywhere. I gave her a few suggestions but she didn’t like any of them. She continued to whine because she wanted the bucket to go on her counter. I told her to put it in one of the places I suggested or I would put it away.

When she refused, I walked up the stairs and took the bucket. When she saw that I chose to put it in her closet (horrors!), she started screaming, “I DON’T WANT IT THERE!!” This escalated to wailing, stomping, throwing (just a blanket) and pushing (she pushed me). It was horrific. Kinda like a ballistic teenager. I was mortified.

In the midst of this turmoil, I told her that I was taking the bucket and then somehow I ended up deciding to take EVERYTHING out of her room. I put every single thing she owns in the hallway. The only thing left in her room is her bed (sans blanket), an empty bookshelf and a lamp.

Then I pulled out something Pa Ingalls taught me in On the Banks of Plum Creek. I explained that she is showing me that she cannot have self-control so from now on *I* will be doing her self-control. For the rest of the day, Lydia has only been able to do what I say. She sat at the table while I cooked. She did the dishes afterwards. She picked up my room while I washed the bathroom. She sat in the living room while Asa and I vacuumed (they call it “the vacuum game” and this was MAJOR punishment for her!). She had no bedtime story and is not allowed to move from any activity without asking me.

IT HAS BEEN HORRIBLE.

It’s more of a punishment for me than it is her. I mean, it’s working. She’s been obedient. But I’m about to go crazy. It’s hard being so…purposeful.

And there’s the rub. Is my daughter just responding to my loose standards? The tighter I become and the more strict I am with her schedule, the better she is. But is that too controlling?

Her behavior the last 2 weeks has been atrocious. I have suddenly felt like everything I’ve done for the past 4 years of her life is a sham. I am at a complete loss as to how to reach her. Which is why I emptied her room today. And why I’m making her do what I want every second of the day.

Depending on how she acts the rest of the day, we may do this again tomorrow. But where do we go from here? If she refuses to respond, what’s next?

Have you had to go to extremes in discipline?

empty room photo by tobo

Part 1 of our behavior chart adventure was actually a great success! Lydia was well-behaved. She received more positive than negative marks on her chart. The only problem is that I was out of town so she was with my parents for two days. Then on the day she was supposed to go out for her reward it was raining and my husband was alone with the kids. He didn’t have the pluck to take both kids out by himself in the rain. (I can’t say I blame him, either.)

So, on my first day home, Lydia was…a nightmare. I called my husband and said, “I wish you had taken Lydia on her reward because she has been SO bad today there is no way we can give it to her.” This has continued all week. She’s had her favorite stuffed animal taken from her. She’s had spankings. She’s been in time out too many times to count. And she just holds on to that rebelliousness ALL DAY LONG.

At about 10:00 this morning I had enough. I sent her to a silent time out in the other room. And I did what all good crazed parents do: I turned to twitter.

Soon I had over 10 responses. (Some of them VERY good, too!)

But this one hit me like a ton of bricks.

(from Sandra at Celebrate Every Day)

I literally smacked my hand to my forehead. It’s obvious my daughter is sinning. The only way to combat sin in our lives is through God’s Word. WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE?!

So, we made another chart (I didn’t even take a picture of it because it’s so ugly. Really.) The top said, “Philippians 2:14: “Do everything without COMPLAINING or ARGUING.”

Then I made two columns on the bottom: one entitled LYDIA and the other entitled MOMMY. I told Lydia that every time she obeys the verse she gets a sticker. And even if I get onto her and she stops and obeys, she’ll get a sticker. But if she doesn’t then I get to make a mark in my section (an X, a line or a sad face).

She LOVED this idea. She was determined to get more stickers than me.

And the rest of the day was a DREAM.

We repeated the verse a lot of times. And each time she did it happily. She said, “OK, Mommy!” every time I asked her to do something. Twice she was reprimanded for something and I could see the internal struggle to pout. Instead she mustered up her self-control and said, “OK, Mommy.” Once we had to say the verse together in the middle of her “internal struggle”. But she said it with a lightness and sweetness in her voice.

I was amazed.

Before we went to bed we reviewed the chart. We talked about how great of a day this was without the whining and trouble. I told her we were only going to do the chart one more day.

Lydia: Why?

Me: Well, why do we obey the Bible? Why do we obey this verse? For stickers?

Lydia: (laughing) Nooo!

Me: We obey because God wants our hearts to obey and love him. This chart and these stickers are just practice so you can really learn how to obey.

Lydia: I’m going to get even MORE stickers tomorrow!

Tonight when we prayed before bedtime I had such a clear picture of WHY God gave us His Word. It isn’t just so we can honor Him. It’s also so OUR lives will be better. When Lydia obeyed, it changed the whole atmosphere of our house. What a picture to me as an adult, a wife and a mother—when I obey God, think of others first and control my mouth the atmosphere around me changes. I will see good things in my life because I’m obeying God!

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photo by pewari

Lydia turned four in January. I feel like it may have flipped a switch inside her. These last 2 weeks have been the most unbelievable—she argues, whines, pouts, stomps her foot and keeps her hair in her face to hide from me when she’s in trouble. Is she 14?!

The last few days have been so bad, I finally pow-wowed with my husband to think of a new way to discipline her. Nothing in our regular bag of tricks was working. We decided to try a little now-and-then discipline. If I had to get onto her 3 times, then my husband would discipline her when he got home, too. (Not as a “mama can’t handle it” but as an additional punishment.)

DID. NOT. WORK.

Then we thought a little positive reinforcement/reward stuff might be better. So I made a chart. It’s not lovely. But it has a few important points…

1. Scripture. I didn’t want a chart that said, “Lydia’s Behavior” or “Don’t Be Naughty”. So, I put Exodus 20:12 in “Lydia’s version” so it said, “Lydia honors her father and mother.”

2. Positive and Negative. I have issues with negative and positive reinforcement. I like the positive stuff but didn’t want to give rewards for false positives (ie. “Wow, you’re smiling, Lydia! You get a sticker!”) and I don’t want to make her think she’s earning my love and approval. And of course, negative reinforcement can always be rough. So. I’m doing a positive AND negative…I put hearts on it for when she does something very awesome (sharing with Asa, obeying immediately, etc.) and blue circles for times I hear her arguing, etc.

3. Her Involvement. I had her write her name at the bottom. I wanted her to be involved and know that she is a part of this chart. We read the verse together. I reminded her that this chart was to show when she was obeying God’s Word. She was very excited and wrote her name with pride!

4. Length. This chart is only for 3 days. I know I can’t expect a 4 year old to be perfect for 2 weeks. But 3 days will be a easy for her (and me!) to pay attention to!

5. Reward. If we deem her chart worthy (I haven’t actually decided how many heart/circles count), she gets to go to a inflatable game place with her Daddy and Asa this weekend.

It’s only been a couple of hours, so I haven’t filled anything in yet. I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but we’ll see. I’ll keep you updated.

Do you have any great ideas about creative discipline and behavior?

for more fun tips (and ones that have actually been, you know, tested visit Works for Me Wednesday!