Part 1 of our behavior chart adventure was actually a great success! Lydia was well-behaved. She received more positive than negative marks on her chart. The only problem is that I was out of town so she was with my parents for two days. Then on the day she was supposed to go out for her reward it was raining and my husband was alone with the kids. He didn’t have the pluck to take both kids out by himself in the rain. (I can’t say I blame him, either.)

So, on my first day home, Lydia was…a nightmare. I called my husband and said, “I wish you had taken Lydia on her reward because she has been SO bad today there is no way we can give it to her.” This has continued all week. She’s had her favorite stuffed animal taken from her. She’s had spankings. She’s been in time out too many times to count. And she just holds on to that rebelliousness ALL DAY LONG.

At about 10:00 this morning I had enough. I sent her to a silent time out in the other room. And I did what all good crazed parents do: I turned to twitter.

Soon I had over 10 responses. (Some of them VERY good, too!)

But this one hit me like a ton of bricks.

(from Sandra at Celebrate Every Day)

I literally smacked my hand to my forehead. It’s obvious my daughter is sinning. The only way to combat sin in our lives is through God’s Word. WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF THAT BEFORE?!

So, we made another chart (I didn’t even take a picture of it because it’s so ugly. Really.) The top said, “Philippians 2:14: “Do everything without COMPLAINING or ARGUING.”

Then I made two columns on the bottom: one entitled LYDIA and the other entitled MOMMY. I told Lydia that every time she obeys the verse she gets a sticker. And even if I get onto her and she stops and obeys, she’ll get a sticker. But if she doesn’t then I get to make a mark in my section (an X, a line or a sad face).

She LOVED this idea. She was determined to get more stickers than me.

And the rest of the day was a DREAM.

We repeated the verse a lot of times. And each time she did it happily. She said, “OK, Mommy!” every time I asked her to do something. Twice she was reprimanded for something and I could see the internal struggle to pout. Instead she mustered up her self-control and said, “OK, Mommy.” Once we had to say the verse together in the middle of her “internal struggle”. But she said it with a lightness and sweetness in her voice.

I was amazed.

Before we went to bed we reviewed the chart. We talked about how great of a day this was without the whining and trouble. I told her we were only going to do the chart one more day.

Lydia: Why?

Me: Well, why do we obey the Bible? Why do we obey this verse? For stickers?

Lydia: (laughing) Nooo!

Me: We obey because God wants our hearts to obey and love him. This chart and these stickers are just practice so you can really learn how to obey.

Lydia: I’m going to get even MORE stickers tomorrow!

Tonight when we prayed before bedtime I had such a clear picture of WHY God gave us His Word. It isn’t just so we can honor Him. It’s also so OUR lives will be better. When Lydia obeyed, it changed the whole atmosphere of our house. What a picture to me as an adult, a wife and a mother—when I obey God, think of others first and control my mouth the atmosphere around me changes. I will see good things in my life because I’m obeying God!

{{Don’t forget to complete our make-this-blog-better survey!}}

photo by pewari

Lydia turned four in January. I feel like it may have flipped a switch inside her. These last 2 weeks have been the most unbelievable—she argues, whines, pouts, stomps her foot and keeps her hair in her face to hide from me when she’s in trouble. Is she 14?!

The last few days have been so bad, I finally pow-wowed with my husband to think of a new way to discipline her. Nothing in our regular bag of tricks was working. We decided to try a little now-and-then discipline. If I had to get onto her 3 times, then my husband would discipline her when he got home, too. (Not as a “mama can’t handle it” but as an additional punishment.)

DID. NOT. WORK.

Then we thought a little positive reinforcement/reward stuff might be better. So I made a chart. It’s not lovely. But it has a few important points…

1. Scripture. I didn’t want a chart that said, “Lydia’s Behavior” or “Don’t Be Naughty”. So, I put Exodus 20:12 in “Lydia’s version” so it said, “Lydia honors her father and mother.”

2. Positive and Negative. I have issues with negative and positive reinforcement. I like the positive stuff but didn’t want to give rewards for false positives (ie. “Wow, you’re smiling, Lydia! You get a sticker!”) and I don’t want to make her think she’s earning my love and approval. And of course, negative reinforcement can always be rough. So. I’m doing a positive AND negative…I put hearts on it for when she does something very awesome (sharing with Asa, obeying immediately, etc.) and blue circles for times I hear her arguing, etc.

3. Her Involvement. I had her write her name at the bottom. I wanted her to be involved and know that she is a part of this chart. We read the verse together. I reminded her that this chart was to show when she was obeying God’s Word. She was very excited and wrote her name with pride!

4. Length. This chart is only for 3 days. I know I can’t expect a 4 year old to be perfect for 2 weeks. But 3 days will be a easy for her (and me!) to pay attention to!

5. Reward. If we deem her chart worthy (I haven’t actually decided how many heart/circles count), she gets to go to a inflatable game place with her Daddy and Asa this weekend.

It’s only been a couple of hours, so I haven’t filled anything in yet. I’m not sure how it’s going to work, but we’ll see. I’ll keep you updated.

Do you have any great ideas about creative discipline and behavior?

for more fun tips (and ones that have actually been, you know, tested visit Works for Me Wednesday!

I started reading Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Ted Tripp a few weeks ago. Usually it doesn’t take me so long to read a book but non-fiction is hard for me. I really have to focus. Anywhoo.

I’ve been mulling over one main point for a few days. I think I’m going to quote some of it. Ready to read?

You make a grave mistake if you conclude that childrearing is nothing more than providing the best possible shaping influences for your children. Many Christian parents adopt this “Christian determinism”. They figure that if they can protect and shelter him well enough, if they can always be positive with him, if they an send him to Christian schools or they can home school, if they can provide the best possible childhood experience, then their child will turn out okay. (emphasis mine)

Uhm. Guilty on all counts! From the time you get pregnant and pick up a parenting/pregnancy/kids magazine, you are told all the RIGHT things to do. And you feel like everything is an “if…then” statement. “If I breastfeed, they won’t have allergies.” “If I wear her in a sling, she won’t cry.” And as a Christian parent, “If I read her Bible stories and make her watch Christian TV shows, she’ll turn out right.”

The problem with these thoughts is that KIDS ARE PEOPLE, too! When we discipline our kids respond…not as we want, but as their heart leads them. I’m not suggesting that kids are static beings and however they are wired is how they are wired, the end, too bad for you.

According to Trent, “your son or daughter responds according to the Godward focus of his or her life…your children are responsible for the way they respond to your parenting.” Just doing the “right” things doesn’t make good kids…God’s Spirit on the inside of them is what makes them turn out right.

This alternately terrifies and encourages me! I’m terrified because ACK! I have to leave the eternal salvation of my children up to…MY CHILDREN?! It’s almost humorous to say, but that’s how it feels. I KNOW what they need, Who they need and how and when they should respond. You mean, I may do it all “right” and my kids may NOT follow the Lord?!

One of my favorite things at church is baptism. Before each baptism, there is a short video about the person getting baptized–they tell their background, their journey to God and finally say, “Jesus Christ is my Lord and Savior!” I could watch their stories all day long. But it saddens me, too because almost every adult says, “I was raised in a loving Christian home.” Then they went to college, experienced a tragedy or married the wrong guy…or whatever led them away from God. And they spend years running from and ignoring God. How could their family been a loving Christian home and they turn out so WRONG?! (I’m using hyperbole here.)

It’s because the focus of their life–as a child and teen was not Godward. Their parents may have brought them to church, they may have prayed over meals and even done a family devotion. But for whatever reason, they didn’t have a Godward focus. And THEY chose–outside of their parents good intentions to pursue their own agendas.

I said this frightens AND encourages me. How can it encourage me, you ask? Well, it encourages me because it shifts my focus. I can easily get caught up in memorizing a scripture, making a Bible craft, watching a Christian show, reading a Bible story that I forget this parenting gig is NOT about ME. It’s about my children. I’m God’s agent right now. I get to introduce my children to Jesus in their formative years. I’m not trying to check off a list of things to do, or a filling in a formula.

Hopefully, I’m crafting a life that honors God. A life that is focused Godward. Hopefully, I’m living it every minute of the day. The real true things that will give my kids a Godward focus in their life is not a craft, an outing or a story. It’s the example that my husband and I live and the home we craft.

Of course, that can be terrifying, too. But how much more rewarding? We get to experience God’s grace in our lives and then see it at work in their lives, too. Impress Your Kids’ main goal is to show you all the little things you can do to focus your children and your family on God. It’s easy for me to get caught up in a cool activity or creative craft when I’m posting. I pray instead I will use this blog to help me (and you) focus our homes Godward.

I’ll close with a question from Shepherding a Child’s Heart…it’s the prayer of my heart…

Are you and your spouse spending time in prayer for God to reveal himself to your children? Ultimately God initiates any work in your children’s hearts.

:: :: ::

And here are a few scriptures to study:

Proverbs 29:21 early influences shape a life
Proverbs 4:23 focus is on the heart
Proverbs 9:7-10 wise versus the foolish
Proverbs 22:15 a child’s heart
Proverbs 4:23 importance of the heart

photo by just Luh

Today we had a first.

We spent most of the morning on the couch in our pj’s. We read lots of books and made a craft. Then I had to look up some phone numbers up on the internet and make some phone calls. You stayed next to me and played with your craft box and read. In between phone calls you looked at me and said, “I want to change clothes.” I shrugged and said, “OK, when I’m done, we’ll change.”

A minute later you were quite agitated and said, “I want to change clothes!”  And then you blurted out, “I’m hiding something from you! I’m hiding something from you!” You said this with your hand covering a part of your pajama pants. I thought maybe you had gone to the bathroom or drawn on your pants. Then I saw a tiny hole.

“Lydia, did you cut a hole in your pants with your scissors?” I asked.

You just nodded with tears in your eyes.

The dots all connected for me and I tried to speak gently, “And you were trying to hide it from me? That’s why you laid on the floor to read? That’s why you asked me to change clothes?”

Another nod.

I caught you up in my lap and had you sit face to face with me. “Lydia do you know the 2 things you did wrong?” I asked softly. You nodded in the affirmative again. “You cut your pants. Which you know you’re not supposed to do. We only cut paper. Then you hid it from Mommy. You shouldn’t hide anything from Mommy. Do you know what that’s called?”

You just stared at me.

“It’s a lie. And lies make Jesus so sad. They make me sad.”

This whole time all I could see was your sweet contrite face. And all I was thinking was, “Should I discipline her? What do I do?!”

So, I finally said, “I’m not going to punish you. We’re going to pray and you can ask Jesus to forgive you…remember our F verse? ‘He forgives all our sins.’”

You were really crying now and did not want to voice a prayer to Jesus! So, I prayed for us instead. I thanked God that you had such a tender heart that even in the midst of sin, you chose to do right.

This whole time I was still frantically wondering, “Do I punish her?!” I finally decided that instead of changing clothes I was going to make you wear the pajamas until it was time for us to go out later tonight. You were horrified. You were crying and crying, pointing at the hole in your pants, “I don’t want to wear these!”

You were so sincere and so remorseful. I honestly tried not to smile because you were so beautiful. And I said, “This is what we’re going to do. Let’s take your pants off and we’ll throw them in the trashcan, ok? This is just what Jesus does. When we ask him to forgive us, he throws our sins away and never remembers them.”

It was a long walk to the trashcan and you held my hand tightly the whole time. We threw your pajamas away. Never to be seen again. Just like your sin.

Lydia, I know you won’t remember this day. But I hope you remember this: that Jesus loves you. He takes your sin from you when you ask. And he dresses you with new clothes. (Isaiah 61:10) He sees you as his perfect daughter.

Just as I do.

love,
Mommy